Founder Fundamentals 9/10 - Hard Feedback
Being able to give hard feedback is seen as one of the marks of a strong founder. Some founders feel they're bad at it. Some take pride in it. Both these sentiments usually come from measuring oneself against the same picture: a leader who sits someone down and delivers tough words without flinching. It's a powerful image. But it's beside the point.
And that's because the purpose of hard feedback isn't the giving. It's the change. The purpose is to instil a behavioural change in another person — and that only happens if the feedback is received, understood and accepted. "Hard" plays only a limited role in any of those.
So how do you give hard feedback?
First, optimise reception by setting the stage: “I need to talk to you about something uncomfortable” or ”I would like to give you uncomfortable feedback”. Explain why you’re doing it: “This matters to me because I value our relationship. If I stay quiet, it gets worse, not better — and better is what I'm after.” Ask for permission: “Can we talk about this now?” Being hard here (because you want to set the tone, or build momentum to carry yourself through the discomfort) is detrimental to the purpose. It makes people take a defensive stance, brace for impact and close their ears.
Second, optimise understanding by delivering a precise message. We all tend to hear what we want to hear. And we don’t want to hear critique. But hard does not mean you have to exaggerate to push through resistance. On the contrary: hard is detrimental because any generalisations or amplification invites dismissal. For the recipient of critique, this is the easiest way out: “I certainly have not ALWAYS done that.” “Maybe a bit, but I certainly wasn’t THAT.” Even if they don’t talk back, to them your message just got buried by a sense of being wronged. Be as specific and as objective as possible. Ideally, separate what you’ve observed and the conclusions you draw from it or what it does to you. “Here’s what I observed … this is what I don’t like about it / this is what it does to me / this is what I would like you to do differently.” Explain why.
Third, optimise acceptance by holding the line. This is the only place where hard comes into its own. Make sure you refrain from cushioning, qualifying, trivialising or otherwise weakening what you’ve just said. Do not create comfort now that the uncomfortable is out. We hear what we want to hear. If you end on a soft note, that’s what lands. Instead, ask, “Do you understand my point? Do you think you can change that?” and maybe, “Can we talk about this again in two weeks?”
If you don’t get agreement here, stop the discussion for now but schedule a next go: “I see that we don’t agree on this now, but it remains important for me to resolve this, so let’s sleep on this and talk again tomorrow.”
When you think about giving hard feedback, measure yourself against the picture of a leader who comes open-handed, speaks fairly, and stays until it's resolved. Hard does nothing in the delivery. It earns its place only afterwards, when you refuse to backpedal. It feels like the place to start — but it's the place to finish.